“I have learned for myself that Presbyterianism is
not true (Joseph Smith History 1: 20).” This line is one that is brushed over
when people tell the Joseph Smith story. I also had not really thought of the
significance of it until recent years, but I have thought upon it much in the
past months.
What makes it so incredible is not what is said, as
what is not said. Here was a young boy, 15 years old, going to his mother and
telling her that he had discovered the religion she belonged to was not true. I
find it amazing that Joesph felt comfortable telling her, but even more her
lack of negative response. There is no record of yelling, or even confrontation;
what is more, it seems Lucy Mack Smith even believed her son.
I cannot hope to possibly have the same level of
understanding and support that Joseph Smith experienced from his family as I reveal
this story, but I would ask that you proportion me at least some level of the
understanding that must have been in Lucy Mack Smith’s heart that day when
Joseph walked in and said, “I have learned for myself that Presbyterianism is
not true.”
And so with that confidence in your love for me, I bravely venture forth.
I have learned for myself that Mormonism is not
true. It was not an easy thing for me to find out or accept, and I do not
expect it to be easy for you to accept that this is where I have arrived, but I
promise you it cannot be much harder for you to accept me than it has been for
me to accept this most bitter pill.
So the question remains, why have I done this?
Many aspects of Joseph Smith’s story still impress
me, in particular his conviction in the face of opposition. Many of his friends
and Church leaders he had known turned on him, but he stood by his convictions.
“Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who
am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what
I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God
knew it, and I could not deny it (Joseph Smith History1:25).”
Martin Luther similarly declared in front of the
diet of worms, “My conscience is captive… I cannot and will not recant
anything, since it is neither safe nor right to go against conscience.”
These men of valor have always impressed me.
Regardless of how the world felt about their convictions, they stood by them,
for they knew they were right. How could I, pretend to follow them when I was
unwilling to do the same thing and stand by my convictions?
It is not in spite of what I was taught growing up
in the church, but because of what I
was taught that I must make this change in my life. I was taught valor, courage,
integrity, honesty, and to value the truth above all else. I cannot and will
not step away from those values. I have done so in the past, but I do not want
to again and that is why I am writing this letter. That is why I am taking this
stand. I don’t want to pretend to believe something I do not. Many probably do,
but I am not one of those. I want to live a life of integrity. Of honesty. Of
courage. There is nothing courageous
about living what you do not believe in because society around you expects it
of you. Do what is right let the
consequence follow is what I sung, and still believe. There are no ends that
justify the means. Honesty and integrity are the keys to happy life and I ask
you to help me have those virtues.
Mormonism was for me Truth. That is what it always
was. Nothing more, and nothing less. Joseph Smith said, “One of the grand
fundamental principles of Mormonism is to receive truth, let it come from
whence it may.” Joseph also said, “Mormonism is truth…The first and fundamental
principle of our holy religion is, that we believe that we have a right to
embrace all, and every item of truth, without limitation or … being …
prohibited by the creeds or superstitious notions of men.” Imagine the difficult position my own search
for truth placed me in. My search to follow the words of Joseph Smith led me
away from all I had known. Isolated me from my family, friends, and loved ones.
It has not been easy, and I expect it to get more difficult. But I have known
for some time I have needed to make this change, to follow the truth as I
perceive it and do what I know is right or to follow societal norms of those
around me.
On my mission I taught people to follow the truths I
was taught from my childhood, and encouraged them to do what they knew in
their hearts were right. I said they should follow the truth even if it meant
changing habits, losing friends, and having to sacrifice relationships. These
people were willing to leave all that they had known to follow the truth as I
gave it to them. While I was on this mission I often wondered if I would have
been as courageous as them; if I would have been willing to listen to random Americans
and leave everything to follow the truth they taught. I always wondered and now
have the opportunity to find out. For I have been “stopped in the streets” so
to speak and learned truth. I know it and I know that I know it. I
now need to finally decide.
I have put this choice off for far too long and have
stayed in limbo for far too long. I want to be honest and open. Despite the
many good aspects of the church and its members and the love I have for all
those who embrace its creeds, I do not believe in what presently constitutes Mormonism
or consider myself a current Mormon. I have made my decision. I have and will
continue to seek truth and to follow it. I must finally do what is right and
let the consequence follow, regardless of the relationships, friendships,
connections, job prospects, or anything else I may lose. I must live a life of
integrity. I must live my life to for myself and no one else!
So though I know you may disagree with my actions,
at least I think you might be able to concur with my motives and desires to
follow my principles and live honestly.
This is the first reason why I am stepping away. But
that is not all. Perhaps if it was just that it would seem selfish to some
extent. I don’t do this only for myself but also for others.
Stephen Covey has said that having continuity among
our core beliefs and actions is a key to success. I concur completely, but it
is even more than that, if we rob the world of the greatest gift we can give, namely
ourselves.
I can no longer worry about whose sensibilities I am
bothering, or what mask I am supposed to be wearing. I have spent far too many
years of my life being the person the people around me expected me to be, and
not being true to myself. William Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be
true.” I have one gift to give this world.
One gift alone. I have one life to give this one gift, and I can no longer avoid
giving it. That gift is who I am.
This may sound like a cliché “be yourself” and all
that. Clichés I have realized (for the most part at least) are statements that
everybody knows are true, but nobody (or hardly anyone) understands or follows.
That is the number one reason why I made this
decision. I leave with the hope that others in similar
dilemmas might find the courage to follow the example I have set. That by doing
so they may no longer live with the guilt and shame of being untrue to
themselves and others.
Now I know this letter may be difficult to accept. You
may feel overwhelmed or even in shock. Though I truly feel sorry for the pain
you are experiencing and can understand it completely, I do not apologize for what
I have said. I stand by it. As Martin Luther said, “I cannot and will not
recant!”
I thank you for taking the time to read these issues
that I have been wanting to express for a very long time. This quote from
Joseph Smith may be helpful, as you sort these things out in your
mind and heart:
“I want the liberty of believing as I please. It
feels so good not to be trammeled. It doesn't prove that a man is not a good
man, because he errs in doctrine.” – Joseph Smith
With love and appreciation for all the good things
you have done for me throughout my entire life.
I remain your son and brother,
My Real Name
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