Random Thoughts about parties and clubs

Either the whole world is crazy, or I am insane. I drive past bar after bar after bar. Young people sitting there, intoxicating themselves. What are they doing? What is the appeal? What is the point? Do they go out to meet the opposite sex?

The men all sit trying to act cool. They where long pants and a jacket, giving a look of “I’m here and I’m okay with the fact that I’m here, and I am trying to act cool like I don’t desperately want to get laid.” But they do, desperately want to get laid. The women with their mini-skirts and crop top tight fitting shirts look beautiful, and sexy, and attractive, and gorgeous. I want to be with them. Yet I know if I tried to talk to them, I would get scoffed. They are all like that. If their good-looking they probably already have a boyfriend. If they do not it is because they don’t want one. There are probably literally 20 boys around her all of whom will spend heavy percentages of their weekly income at her slightest whim. She does not care.

This is not just here, this is everywhere. Men and women go out to nightclubs and bars, the men to meet women, the women pretending like they are there to meet men, but they are really just there to look good for their friends. 

Anyways, perhaps that is a little too negative of outlook on the whole issue, but here is an incredible quote from Atlass Shrugged about  parties. 

'I know you don't like parties. Neither do I. But sometimes I wonder... perhaps we are the only ones who were meant to be able to enjoy them.'
'I am afraid I have no talent for it.'
'Not for this. But do you think any of these people are enjoying it? They're just straining to be more senseless and aimless than usual. To be light and unimportant... You know, I think that only if one feels immensely important can one feel truly light.'
'I wouldn't know.'
'It's just a thought that disturbs me once in a while... I thought it about my first ball... I keep thinking that parties are intended as celebrations should be only for those who have something to celebrate.'
'i have never thought of it.'
...
'I don't know... I've always expected parties to be exciting and brilliant, like some rare drink.' she laughed; there was a note of sadness in it. 'But I don't drink, either. That's just another symbol that doesn't mean what it was intended to mean.' He was silent. She added, 'Perhaps there is something that we have missed.'

Sex and Insecurity

There are probably many people who are insecure about sex. I am one of those people. Women I assume generally feel embarrassed about the amount of sex they have had, as not having sex is for some reason valued in women. Men are more likely to be insecure about the sex they haven’t had.

I am one of those men. I am painfully insecure about it. As in cripplingly insecure. I do not think it is even because of the embarrassment or the judgment from others. I am pretty open about my virginity, even in my non-anonymous circles.  I think it is something deeper than that, I don’t care so much what people think.

I get depressed just thinking about how people have sex. Every person, every girl I meet who has been or is in a relationship, I just feel sad. “She has had sex” I quietly say to myself. I look at most everyone and realize, “they have had sex.” And I get depressed. It has reached the point where even movies where people have sex in them make me sad. I watched horrible bosses for a few minutes with a girl the other day, and just began to feel terribly uncomfortable. “All these people have had sex, including this girl sitting next to me.”  I thought to myself. Luckily we stopped watching.

Why this huge feeling of inferiority at not having sex? I have burnt probably far too many CPU's on this silly question, especially since the answer is so clear.

My failure to have sex is a symbol of every failure of my life, and in general the failure of my life. In basically every way I am a failure, and not having sex is a manifestation of that failure in every way.

Up until this point in my life I am a complete financial failure. Surely if this were not the case I would have many more suitors to choose from.

I am in a biological and evolutionary sense a complete failure, by definition. In the biological scheme of things I was made for one purpose. Not only have I failed at that purpose, I have failed at even having the possibility of being a biological/evolutionary success. This is failure in the worse possible way. A small failure is not getting all the promotions you want so having a lower paying job. Bigger is to have never having obtained a job after trying many times. I haven’t even put in an application (in the biological sense). Not even one!

It is not because of what others think of me when they see that I am a virgin that bothers me. It is what I think of myself when I realize that everyone around me, everyone I meet and associate with has succeeded, where I have failed.

All those idiots from high school, the smart ones, the dumb ones, the ugly ones, the fat ones. All the kids that I helped in math. I have helped hundreds  of people pass math classes, all of which succeeded, and I failed. Essentially every girl I knew in high school or college or anywhere.

I stayed up late, I woke up early. I worked hard. I worked out, I did good in school, I am in good shape. Most of them did not. Lots of them are overweight. And I am the failure.

My virginity is my failure, and it reminds me of it every time I meet someone I know has had sex.

yours in virginity,
MV