There are probably many people who are insecure about sex. I
am one of those people. Women I assume generally feel embarrassed about the
amount of sex they have had, as not having sex is for some reason valued in
women. Men are more likely to be insecure about the sex they haven’t had.
I am one of those men. I am painfully insecure about it. As
in cripplingly insecure. I do not think it is even because of the embarrassment
or the judgment from others. I am pretty open about my virginity, even in my
non-anonymous circles. I think it is
something deeper than that, I don’t care so much what people think.
I get depressed just thinking about how people have sex.
Every person, every girl I meet who has been or is in a relationship, I just
feel sad. “She has had sex” I quietly say to myself. I look at most everyone
and realize, “they have had sex.” And I get depressed. It has reached the point
where even movies where people have sex in them make me sad. I watched horrible
bosses for a few minutes with a girl the other day, and just began to feel
terribly uncomfortable. “All these people have had sex, including this girl
sitting next to me.” I thought to
myself. Luckily we stopped watching.
Why this huge feeling of inferiority at not having sex? I
have burnt probably far too many CPU's on this silly question, especially since
the answer is so clear.
My failure to have sex is a symbol of every failure of my
life, and in general the failure of my life. In basically every way I am a
failure, and not having sex is a manifestation of that failure in every way.
Up until this point in my life I am a complete financial
failure. Surely if this were not the case I would have many more suitors to
choose from.
I am in a biological and evolutionary sense a complete
failure, by definition. In the biological scheme of things I was made for one
purpose. Not only have I failed at that purpose, I have failed at even having
the possibility of being a biological/evolutionary success. This is failure in
the worse possible way. A small failure is not getting all the promotions you
want so having a lower paying job. Bigger is to have never having obtained a
job after trying many times. I haven’t even put in an application (in the
biological sense). Not even one!
It is not because of what others think of me when they see
that I am a virgin that bothers me. It is what I think of myself when I realize
that everyone around me, everyone I meet and associate with has succeeded,
where I have failed.
All those idiots from high school, the smart ones, the dumb
ones, the ugly ones, the fat ones. All the kids that I helped in math. I have helped hundreds of people
pass math classes, all of which succeeded, and I failed. Essentially every girl
I knew in high school or college or anywhere.
I stayed up late, I woke up early. I worked hard. I worked
out, I did good in school, I am in good shape. Most of them did not. Lots of
them are overweight. And I am the failure.
My virginity is my failure, and it reminds me of it every
time I meet someone I know has had sex.
yours in virginity,
MV
yours in virginity,
MV
