Barriers to Entry Volume 4: Love

Yes love. That magical word that makes us giddy when young and robs our bank account when we are not much older.

Love, despite its wonders, can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It can send you on the highest of highs; can make you float above rational reality and even bring you to a beautiful union of sexual intercourse.

However it can also blind you, leading you n an exciting trail of discovery only to find out too late that you were actually going down a dark alley where you are left alone with your genitals locked inside a steel box called emotional trauma. Furthermore, the person who led you there also took the key.

This is the double-edged sword of Love.

To be fair, neither of these is my story, though I do know a good number of people who one of the above scenarios could describe.

My story with love is much more beautiful, but at the same time, much more tragic.

The most dangerous combination in this world is not cola and Mentos nor is it drinking beer and rum, no, those only give you some temporary discomfort, heck they may even kill you, but there are worse things; things that make people long for death.

The worst combination is a heart that falls deeply and fully in love and a brain to rational or stubborn to take action. This is a wretched mixing which will ruin your heart and leave you cold and alone. It will cripple your will and empty your hope. It will suck out your soul, your life, and your purpose and leave you alone at the end of a dark alley, your genitals in a locked box whose key is lost forever.

And this is the ultimate, “barrier to entry.”

Note: future entries will turn to lighter subjects, namely The Awkward Adventures of The Mormon Virgin

Barriers to Entry volume 3: A man in a man's world

The best way to ensure you never meet women? Never be around women.

With the skill of a well-trained engineer, I have mastered this art over the past 8 or so years of my life.  

From ages 19-21 I served an LDS mission to the beautiful country of Uruguay. I spent every day walking and talking with another man. I slept in the same room with another man.  I am not going to say there were not beautiful women in Uruguay, because there were. Unfortunately, as a missionary, they were not available and I would have been oblivious even if they were.

At age 21 I returned to BYU, land flowing with milk and beautiful women. Of course I was studying engineering. In all my engineering classes there were about three women, all of which had friend-zoned me within about 1 month of my first semester. 

I also took some math classes, which I will admit did have numbers slightly higher than engineering classes. Unfortunately where the quantity was a bit higher, the quality had suffered some as well. Most the girls were married not interested in me or visa versa.

However in the land of mathematics is where I met the one girlfriend I ever had. 

She was perfect. And that is all I am going to say about that, or else I will cry. Actually I already am.

After graduating from BYU I decided to take a few classes at Salt Lake Community College (SLCC). I thought I would take some art classes, because you know for sure there would be plenty of women in art classes right? 

Wrong again. I walk around campus and there are beautiful women everywhere, literally everywhere. I try not to drool, but I would not be surprised if I have a few times while zoned out on campus. So I was all excited going to my film class, just waiting to count the girls. None. Literally none. Oh wait there was one, but it was hard to tell if she was a girl or a guy honestly. So yeah, that sucked. 

Politically I hang out close to the Libertarian camp. In case you were wondering, there are about as many female libertarians as there are female American football players. Well actually that might not be a good comparison, there is a female kicker or two that come up every once in a while.

As there is little hope in the political sphere it is finally time for the go to for finding women, religion. This is the standard place to find beautiful women. And it works if you are Mormon. Singles ward are rank with elegant white females. Every time I think about how few dates I went on with Mormon girls it makes me cry. It also makes me cry with how many beautiful women have yet to have their eyes opened, but I digress.

Religion is not on my side either. Mormon men in their twenties leave the church at about double the rate of Mormon women. Basically post-Mormonism is a giant sausage fest with few melons to sweeten things up. 

So I am left, a twenty-six year old virgin, eager to find someone to love, but unable to find. If I can fix this problem, I will let you know, but there are still many more “barriers to entry” to cover. 

Until next time, 

Yours in virginity, 

The Mormon Virgin.

Barriers to entry: Volume 2, femininity

I’m emotional. I admit it. I am convinced that if you were to record my thoughts and line them up with a whole slew of other people’s recorded thoughts and tried to guess which ones were male thoughts and which ones were female, you would put mine squarely in the female category.

I am feminine in many ways. I like to sing and go to plays and musicals and go dancing. I even write poetry and short stories for God’s sake. And though I feign to admit it, I am kind of into fashion and interior design.

But, just to clarify, I took the test and I am a 0 on the Kinsey scale. That is right 100% completely straight. So straight that arrows admire me.

How is this a “barrier to entry?” Because I am acting like a girl. And girls want the man who is a man. I am the “nice guy” who never goes home with anyone.

I am working at changing this and starting to assert my will more. If it works out I may stop writing this blog, but don’t count on it, as I still have many other “barriers to entry.” (stay tuned!)

Barriers to Entry volume 1: Duel Maturity

In economics the term “barriers to entry” is often used to describe the difficulty of entering a particular industry.  The term could easily be extrapolated to my situation.

For the next few blog posts I am going to explore a few of my own “barriers to entry.” Today’s topic: mixed maturity.

The sign of maturity is knowing how to act in a given situation. Little children will start laughing and joking and can’t stop, while mature adults are able to laugh at a joke and then get back to work. They can be serious and silly in the same ten-minutes, changing on cue. They have control of their emotions.

And as far as that goes, I’m good. I can laugh hard and then put the game face on and get to work. In most every way, I am quite mature

I can have a half-way decent conversation about: politics, religion, history, literature, science, music, movies, and most other topics of general interest. Generally I am pretty mature, except…sexually.

Sexually I am as immature as a sixteen year old. Why? Because I am a fucking virgin (excuse the ironic pun).

I can’t control those emotions because you can’t control anything you haven’t used. You learn to control a horse by riding it. No amount of book training can make up for getting out in the saddle and riding. You will get bucked a bit and maybe get some bruises, but you will learn.

I haven’t learned. I am sexually ready to explore and live the “teenage dream” but I am not at the maturity of a teenager. I am an adult.

This might not seem like a problem, but it is. Adults expect other adults to behave like adults, in all things. It is a problem of duel maturity. It is like I am looking for a job with a masters in mathematics, but not knowing how to use a basic calculator. It is an awkward mismatch of skills.

The solution, you may be screaming at me, is obvious. “Start using that calculator!” Theoretically simple but in practice is a bit difficult.

Or at least it is until I can overcome my other “barriers to entry” (stay tuned!).